Do you ever talk to God about it? Seriously pour out your wharf to him and ask Him what his purpose is? Is it for you? Is it beyond you? Is it something you need to give up? Something you need to change? Something you need to believe?
Where is God trying to work but you won't let Him in? As you sit and ponder these thoughts my heart is with you and I join you in prayer seeking the Lord for HIS will for our lives and that His plan would unfold and we will be open and accepting to it.