I was pointed to this broadcast http://www.focusonthefamily.com/radio.aspx?ID=%7BBAF84D51-4E4B-48B5-A73E-057AF3B26058%7D
In which I stayed up tonight, well now 12:51am... I guess it's the morning... to listen to. I got some really good points but still feel this tug inside me like I want to do more! I want to be a mom AND....!!!
In all honesty, ever since the beginning of 2013 I have felt the Spirit say, "Be content where I have you." I go back and forth, trusting and then asking God for more. Every time I come back to ask for more God has told me the same thing, "Be content where I have you." Rats!!! So I walk around the mountain again, and make sure God hasn't changed His mind and logically try to argue with myself, well God does tell us in the Bible to ask and let our requests be made known to the Lord.... So umm... Lord, how about now??? I know my Heavenly Father loves me and gently reminds me, "Be content with where I have you."
Tonight I'm back at the mountain. Getting back to this broadcast I just listened to. There were some really good takeaways in Erin's interview. My heart still just felt like well she talks about investing in her family and such and have that kingdom vision, but as the program stated she has a blog, so there we go! She has something else she's accomplished! Which lead me to check out her blog. So I google her name. Erin Davis. I click on a link that brings me to this. http://www.erindavis.org/putting-an-end-to-spiritual-envy/
I read through the title and thought two things. My first thought was, this is exactly what I'm going through!!! And then as I read on and felt the conviction set in, my flesh started to say Hey! This is not what I came here to read! I came here to see all the many roles she has to compare myself with her and say, wow not only do I not have a blog, but I also don't have x, y, and z. (I can't tell you what x, y, and z are because I refuse to let myself look at her page with a comparison attitude and a selfish heart.
So for tonight, I praise God I'm not alone. I know many other moms and women struggle with this and I know when I let The Lord lead, then will I find my peace and my "stay at home mom AND ______" role. I praise God for his patience in this journey. I see here tonight that my heart is not where it needs to be and I am thankful that God doesn't give me what I want when I want it because He knows what's best for me more than I do, and so ultimately I want what He wants for my life.
On a side note I feel Him preparing me to not be so moved by my feelings or circumstances around me and as I go through different scenarios in life, they are like little mini-tests of trust and faith. And I don't feel like God gives me a pass or fail grade at the end. I don't think there really is an end. I hope to never arrive because I want to always need Jesus and although I know that in my head, it doesn't come so naturally to my heart. Jesus laid down His life for me and I must do the same for Him, I need to not be so dependent on me, rather lean on, press in, get intimate with my Heavenly Father & keep my eyes focused on Him.